This week I wrecked my grocery budget. We are getting a tax return, and any time I know there is extra money coming in, I loosen up my hold on the budget and act like our money has no limits. So when I was at Sam's Club to buy ground turkey, block cheese, and red peppers, I decided to stock up on toiletries (and a few other things) and ended up with $400 of stuff in my cart. (We'll have razors and deodorant until Jesus returns.) That's nearly half my grocery budget for the month. And its only the first week of the month.
To many of you, this may not seem like such a big deal. Even my husband wasn't upset at all. But for a perfectionist who prides herself on her money management skills, this was devastating. I buried myself in shame all week.
I picked fights with Todd over money. I reneged on our decision to pay off our car loan. I complained that we never have any fun. I sulked and brooded over nothing and everything. All because I absolutely hated myself for overspending at the grocery store.
Then Todd and I finally got a chance to sit and talk for a long while. I rubbed his back and he listened patiently (its a wonderful arrangement, a win-win for both of us). I realized that all of my rumblings and grumblings were rooted in the crushing shame of my budgetary mistake (not even a sin, really).
In my devotions the next morning, I finally got honest with God and admitted that I was buried in shame over my actions, and that I was desperate for truth to free me from the crushing weight. I asked the Holy Spirit to lead me in Scripture and to set me free with the truth of the Word.
I went first to a verse that I heard recently.
You are familiar with all my ways. Psalm 139:3b
God knows me. He knows that I loosen up when there is extra money coming in, then hate myself when I overspend. He knows my perfectionist ways, and my struggles with money. He knew that while I bended under the weight of shame that I was deflecting my emotions everywhere else instead of admitting what I thought was a fatal flaw (even though it wasn't). He knew I was picking fights and arguing with Todd because I wanted to cover up my mistake with extra cash so I wouldn't have to admit my failure.
And all the while, He still loved me. He knew, and He still loved. He knew, and He didn't stop providing for me or caring for me. He provided for the birds and the flowers, and they haven't done anything to earn his provision. Which made me think of Ephesians 2:4-5:
But because of His great love for us, God who is rich in mercy made us alive with Christ...
It was His mercy that made me stop. Mercy is getting what we don't deserve. I don't deserve God's love because I was a good girl. I don't deserve God's provision because I did it all right. In fact, I will never be good enough to earn any of the blessings that I have. God gives them to me because
He loves me, and because of Jesus. I chose to believe in Jesus, and because of that, God gives me His great love, His mercy, His provision, His approval. All the things I need and long for.
So maybe for you it isn't the grocery budget, and maybe you aren't a recovering perfectionist like me, but I ask you, is there something in your life that has buried you in shame?
God's mercy and great love are enough to lift the heavy beams of shame off your shoulders. Nothing you can do or not do can earn you His love and favor. You already have it because of Jesus.
Stand up tall today because you are no longer buried in shame, but made alive in Christ. I will. I'm going to accept my failure, and move forward and continue to press into the Lord for help with my perfectionism. But oh I need His help! For life, everyday! I need His mercy and His grace. I need to know that He knows me through and through and that He loves me anyway. I need to constantly remind myself that His grace is sufficient for me and that His power is made perfect in my weakness. And I need to come back to His Word, needy for truth, every day, so that I won't stay in a place of shame. I hope you do, too.
