You don’t have to raise a diabetic child to know that
marriage is hard work.
But for those of us raising a child with unique challenges
like Type 1 diabetes, the divorce rates skyrocket past 50% into the 70-80%s.
These are sobering statistics.
Todd and I have been married for sixteen years this month. We
have survived job changes and multiple relocations, tragic death in the family,
physical and emotional pain, and for the last three years, raising a precious eight year old boy with Type 1 diabetes (whose main goal this summer is producing a
movie called “Metal Bomb”). Despite it all, I call Todd my boyfriend because
I still have a crush on him.
Along the way, we have figured out how not just how to stay
married, but how to actually stay in love. This month on Raising Moses, I will
share with you our:
5 secrets
to staying married… and in love.
Daily check-ins and weekly date nights are the best secrets for staying connected.
Around 6:30am, before our kids get up and after a few quiet
minutes apart, Todd and I meet back in our room to talk, pray, connect. Its
10-15 minutes of check-in time before we are off to our jobs and our busy
lives.
When he comes home in the evening, we do another check-in.
Sometimes it’s right when he gets home: I’ll rub his shoulders and we’ll talk
(a win-win: he gets the back rub and I get to talk). Then “battle hour”
commences - dinnertime with four kids. If it’s a sports night or he gets home
late, we connect after the kids are in bed. We sit in the rocking chairs on
the porch with a glass of wine and jazz playing on Pandora. With summer finally
here, this has been a favorite time for us. Sometimes we leave the kids in the
care of our eldest daughter and go for a walk around the block.
On the weekend, we prioritize date night. We’ve been working
on cheap dates, like a long hike or a trip to the bike store or a free outdoor concert at the park. I’d love to do fine dining every Saturday night, but it’s just not in
the budget. We still prioritize time together once a week, for a few
glorious hours of uninterrupted conversation.
2. Prayer
Todd and I pray together. Every morning.
It wasn’t always this way. It took lots of “discussions” to
find a way for our marriage to mirror our personal spirituality. Todd and I
call ourselves followers of Jesus, and part of our faith is regular
conversation with God. But we approach God differently: I try to please, he
wrestles with God. We study the Bible differently, too: I spend three months on
one verse, he reads a Psalm and writes all over his Bible. Prayer is something
we finally agree on.
Sometimes we pray for other people, sometimes we just cry
out to God for help. It has profoundly knitted our souls together in a
mysterious way. We have prayed our way through change, struggle, diabetes and celiac disease and
hypothyroidism and the death of our invincibility. Prayer has broken our
hardened hearts open to each other. It’s opened a floodgate of tears. It’s
forced honesty in the presence of an all-knowing God. Prayer (and its
Recipient) is what keeps us married and in love.
Sometimes the intimacy of prayer has other benefits…
3. Sex
Just do it. Really.
Sometimes sex is a four-course meal with fine wine.
Sometimes it’s a Dunkin Donuts drive-thru. But just like pizza, even when its
bad, it’s always good. Making sex fit into the insanity of life keeps us
married… and in love. It changes us from grumpy and cranky, overtired and
overstressed, snipping at each other and our kids to… well, exhale. Its all
going to be OK, at least for a little while.
I know I’m oversimplifying a complex subject. But simply
put, sex is what makes you lovers and not just parents. It keeps you married
and in love.
4. Teamwork
We work as a team. We thank each other frequently.
We trade off who changes the insulin pump and the Dexcom
glucose monitor and who has nighttime duty. (Blood sugar highs and lows make
for lots of sleepless nights.)
We alternate who puts our younger two to bed and who
finishes the dishes. I read to the kids; he snuggles. I drive the kids to
sports; he picks them up. We help each other when the other is behind on his or
her work. We do the bills together. I do the cooking; he makes the money. It
doesn’t work without the other. We’re a team.
5. Asking (specifically)
for what I want
A wise woman told me never expect Todd to read my mind.
Todd lives his life by a checklist. I just need to add my
needs to that checklist. When I ask for something, I add a time and a date, like
putting a request on his calendar. “Todd, I am feeling very behind on housework
because the kids had a lot of doctor’s appointments this week. Could you help
me fold laundry tonight while we watch Netflix?” It’s not that Todd is lazy and
doesn’t see my needs. He just needs a specific request so he can add “love my
wife” to his check list. He often responds like this: “I need to do payroll
tonight. Can we do it tomorrow night?” Yes, of course.
I’m still learning to ask for help. I often don’t know what
I really need, or I’m afraid to ask. Asking (specifically) for what I want decreases the disappointment and resentment between us.
***
The “secrets” of our marriage aren’t anything new or surprising,
nor is this an all-inclusive list. But time, prayer, sex, teamwork and asking
for what I want keeps us married… and in love. It’s all the little choices, day
after day, that keep us weathering this storm of life, especially while caring
for a child with diabetes.
Be encouraged that you
can stay married and in love, too.
***
What keeps you married, despite the challenges of life? Please
share your own secrets.
